Part of having a great life is showing up. This is where I get in trouble...showing up. So many times in my recent past relationship I would "commit" to do something. It could be as easy as committing to show up for the date. I would make excuses as to why I couldn't show up. It could be something as simple as committing to attend church with someone and somewhere along the line, I'd make an excuse as why I couldn't go. On a bigger scale, I'd make commitments to take my thyroid medication, or even to try to quit smoking. Somewhere along the line, yep, I'd make excuses not to do those things.
I looked up what the word commitment means and the one definition which seemed to fit was "an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action". Is this what I've been worried about? My restriction of my freedom? I honestly do not know. What I do know is, I lost the best relationship I have ever had in my life, due partially to my lack of commitment. I'd break promises like "I'll take my medication, I'll go to the doctor, I'll go the dentist, I'll take care of myself". What I wasn't doing was taking care of the relationship, I wasn't committed. Whenever I felt like my "Freedom" was being taken away, I'd make excuses not to show up in the relationship.
My intentions were always there to show up. My intentions were true and deep down inside, I really was committed, but when it came time to show up, I'd make excuses not to be there. I wonder what I'm afraid of, why don't I show up? Why do I have a fear of commitment with things I 've always wanted? As I'm writing this, deep down inside I'm telling myself "this time I'm going to show up" , "this time, I'm going to commit to taking care of myself", "this time, I'm going to grow up".
Considering everything I have lost recently without committing, I think this time I have no choice but committing to the commitment.
Until Next Time,
Much Love,
Nikki
