Friday, December 26, 2008

Long Ago....and So Far Away...Love Remembers

Doesn't seem possible ten years ago this month I was standing in the kitchen making dinner for 5 people. Three kids, a man and myself. We lived in Rome, NY then we moved to Wichita, KS. Six years later and 1 dog later we ended our relationship. Not really sure to this today why it all ended. I guess maybe because I was young. I was 25 when we met, he was 36. I thought I had it all. A ready made family, 3 great kids, a beautiful house, and well established loving man. I guess after the move to Wichita, KS I realized maybe perhaps I got in too deep over my head. Taking on more than I could handle. Don't get me wrong, we had some of the best days of my life. Our holidays always were so warm and homey. I remember I would take off work 5 days prior to the holiday (mainly Thanksgiving and Christmas) and I would spend all day, and I mean ALL day just baking. The house would be surrounded with cookies, buttermilk pies, pumpkin pies, apple pies, you name it..I baked it. We both were in the Air Force at the time so we had steady jobs, money was never an issue with us. I guess looking back now, the issue was ME. Me trying to find myself. I needed to explore the world and be on my own to prove to myself that I didn't need anyone to take care of me. I moved out and headed East where I got transferred to the Pentagon to work. The kids would call me for Mother's day and wish me a happy mother's day. Always made me wonder if I made the right decision to leave in the first place. Although [he] and I didn't keep too much in contact throughout the years we were broken up, I knew in my heart that one day we would be back together...I just needed to "find myself".

After many moves from Washington, DC to Virginia, to Pennsylvania, back to Virginia, on to Rochester, NY, on to Sacramento, Ca, to here San Francisco, Ca I think I may have finally "found myself". Not too long ago, as you know I was in a long distance relationship which at the time I felt was my whole life. When in fact, what I've learned now was that was only "a part of my life".

For some reason, not sure what, I decided to call my my very distant past and reach out. Not knowing what would happen or if even he would talk to me again, I took the chance and to my surprise he was single as I was. Both of us getting over a relationship many months ago. Strange how the heart knows no time. Our conversation was just like it used to be when we first dating, it was almost like we never left each other...and who's to say if we ever really did.

People tell me that "you broke up for a reason, let it go, move on". Now, I can say "I have moved on, I've moved on to a life which I don't think I ever should have left." Is it possible to "re-find" love after so many years have passed by? I know one thing now, that I'm happy we re-found each other and to me it doesn't seem like it was so "long ago...and so far away" and maybe there are things we may have forgotten about our life then, I know in our hearts...Love Remembers.

PS. Have you kindled love after so many years? Share your story, write in the comments block.

Until Next Time,

Much Love,

Nikki

Dear Jane,

For those of you who may not know the play on words with the subject here I will explain it to you and then you can read my 'Dear Jane" letter. According to Michael Quinion who writes on International English from a British Viewpoint on World Wide Words he states A Dear John letter is 'conventionally a letter from a woman to a boyfriend or husband saying that all is over between them, usually because the woman has found somebody else. A much more recent phrase that reflects today’s sexual equality is Dear Jane letter.'

So this blog is not necessarily that I have found someone else but the fact that I think every single girl or anyone going through or has gone through a break up should write to themselves. If you write one, include things you have given up or made changes to since "then".

So with that.........here's my letter to myself. I'd love to read yours if you chose to write one, besides it's good for you!

Dear Jane,

This letter is to inform you that I found someone else. The person I have found you may not know. This person I am talking about is ME. Although we have had some great times together in the past and shared many laughs, I believe it is in our best interest if we no longer see each other. I have found some of your old clothing which I have decided to donate to charity. I also have found old letters you never mailed to people which I shredded. I changed the cookbooks in your house you used to use and replaced them with health food recipes. I also threw out all your spray deodorants and replaced them with stick ones. Oh, and the phone numbers of old friends who haven't bothered to call you in years? I erased those from your phone as well (if they want to talk to you they can call you). In regards to your past relationship, don't bother looking for that piece of memoir you were saving because that is hidden away (which you will never find).

With this said I have called your neighbor Mr. Shiraz and told him of my break up with you and immediately he came to my rescue along with your female friend Misty. Tonight we both hung out and they brought back memories of you so I have decided to not be friends with them either. I will let you know your two cousins hog an daz have been very supportive in my break up with you. Each night we sit, talk and think about other things besides you. They have become my "comfort food" if you will. I know at times you didn't think I was sexy enough but now with the help of your cousin Jim Beam and playing Justin Timberlake over and over, I now know that I am about to bring sexy back!

I know how hard this must be for you to end this relationship so quickly, but now it is time I get my life back and start doing things that a single girl my age should be doing. I appreciate all the great times we shared in the past, but I must say that I will be happier now living the life I have always wanted and never wanted to settle for, so Jane, with all this said I must say farewell to you.

So in my farewell, I have to say thanks for the good times my Dear Jane.

Until Next Time,

Much Love,

Nikki

Black And White With a Touch Of Grey

Recently, I'm learning that maybe not everything IS black and white. Today as I was walking down 4th and Mission on my way to Denny's for breakfast, I noticed a homeless man on the side walk. He was just standing there and smiled at me when I passed him by. I smiled back and he blushed. I couldn't really tell if he was blushing as his face was incredibly dirty. I know one thing for sure; he was definitely dressed warmer than I. As I walked by him I asked myself "I wonder how he sees the world?" It must be hard for someone like that not knowing where he’ll get his next meal, but he has hope and he doesn't give up. If he saw the world in black and white as I once did, he would have given up on life and who knows he wouldn't have been the subject of my blog tonight.

I often wonder what is it we are meant to do with our lives. What is our purpose here and how do we help? I don't imagine the homeless man was set here to be homeless. I know somewhere deep down inside me, he has a purpose, and he may even be some-one's father or son; and to me that’s a big enough purpose in life by itself. I'm sure he has contributed to society at one time in his life.

I remember being a student in Syracuse University and one of my close professors went completely nuts. He became homeless. I saw him one day on the streets and he didn't recognize me, he looked right through me as if I wasn't there and held out his hand and repeatedly kept asking “Got any change, got any spare change?" A well educated man with a PHD now is a burden on society. How does that happen? What is it we can learn from him? The funny thing is, he taught sociology. Now people study HIM.

I wonder what color HIS world is? I don't suppose it's black and white or if it is, it may have a touch of grey.

Until Next Time,

Much Love,

Nikki

The "Good" Got The "Best" Of Me

Feelings can be turned off and on like a faucet when you're in a relationship. Although they may not be permanent we sometimes tend to "turn them" off for the sake of saving our hearts. I haven't spoken to Mike since last Thursday morning when I got those text messages from him. I will tell you that day on the air was probably one of the hardest days I had to broadcast. No-one knew I was hurting for the exception on Ken who is our morning show host. I've known Ken for about 7 years now and it's great to work with him again. There's not much someone can do to help someone who is going through a rough time in relationships but to offer a hug, and sometimes that's all you need at that moment.

I was convinced that I needed to move on with my life based on the text messages I got from Mike on Thursday. So, I did just that, I didn't call him, didn't text him, didn't send him emails, I just left him alone. I was feeling pretty good about being in charge of my emotions and having the discipline not to contact him. This weekend I did things, cleaned my house inside and out, did laundry,groomed the dogs,I did whatever I needed to do to get my mind off of Mike. Thanks to the support of my family I was able to get 'through' the weekend and not think about my relationship or now 'my past relationship'.

Sunday afternoon, I was sitting at my table, eating dinner. I actually ordered out and it was a dinner that Mike and I used to like to eat together. Not sure what made me buy it, maybe I was just craving it and wanted to buy it, no big deal right? As I began to eat my dinner a message appears on my instant message and it's from Mike. It was a simple message that said "Hi..are you doing okay?" Did I smile when it came up? sure, Did I not want to answer him? Sure, but did I answer him? you bet. It was a light hearted conversation about movies and wine, nothing about us was said. I know he's not coping well with what's going on and to be honest a part of me is still hurting. I thought I was doing "good" with trying to get over him, but when we started chatting again, I found myself purposely keeping open my instant messenger in hopes he might want to chat again. I guess, you could say "i was doing "good" before the chat, and now....I think my "good" has gotten the best of me.

Until Next Time,
Much Love,
Nikki

Divorcing The Divorced

So you think you find "THE ONE" all is good, and "oh boy..he's the one", "Oh we're going to get married, he's perfect, I love everything about him, he "understands me", and my family loves him". Ever been in those relationships? I wish there were signs or clues given to us girls who truly believe we're in love. I mean, can our hearts be fooled so much that we'll do whatever it takes to be with "the one"even if it means swallowing our pride? I tried to convince Mike that our relationship was meant to be, now I know different.

Never in my mind did I think I was the rebound girl with him. I thought since his divorce was done and all, that he was "okay" and ready to date again. How long does it take to get over a divorce, I wonder. Is there a time period you have to wait before you're ready to date again? Why is it, that when we find the "one" who was divorced we think "okay, it didn't work out with their first so, now it's my turn, I can make him happy. "I'm the "one" he's been looking for all his life. Yeah, until that day comes and they tell you their feelings for you have changed that maybe he was mistaken about the way he feels about you. Then what do you do? You're heart is broken and you feel used and embarrassed for thinking that maybe you could of been "The One".

Was I foolish to believe that? That I could actually be "the one" for him? Our text messages this morning have me convinced that I have no other choice but to divorce the divorced.

Until Next Time,

Much Love,

Nikki

PS. It's nice to sign my blogs "Much Love" I miss saying that to someone, so thanks for letting me say that to you!

Mike Vs. Mike

Torn between two others. If you're around my age then you'll understand the play on words there.

So I have two loves of Mikes in my life. My one love of Mike is the one I speak to you everyday with. Ever give up what you wanted just to follow a gut feeling? Many years ago, about 5 years ago, I decided to "try" something new in my life. I remember I was stationed in the Air Force at McConnell Air Force Base in Wichita, KS. I was sitting at my kitchen table and the radio was on. I looked over at it and said to myself; "That's what I want to do, I want to be on the radio." I didn't want to be a winner on the radio, but I wanted to "be on the radio". So, I put on a suit and drove down to a radio station in Wichita and asked to speak to the manager there. I didn't know the radio lingo as the managers are called "Program Directors". I asked to speak to him and said "Are you hiring for DJ's?" he laughs a little and asks me who I am; "And..you are...?" I introduce myself and he asks "Do you have any experience?" I look at him and say "You need EXPERIENCE to be a DJ?" he laughs the rest is history, long story short... I got hired.

I fell in love with this sort of Mike in my life. I loved the idea that I could make people laugh when I talked to them on the air. It wasn't until 9-11 I realized that what I have is a gift and a calling. I was doing part-time radio in Washington, DC while I was stationed at the Pentagon. I remember being stationed at the Pentagon and 9-11 hit us. Something inside me told me I needed to help people get through this, that I had a voice. I asked my General "Sir, I need to help the public get through this, I have a calling to help them" I told him "Sir, you help them IN the air and I'll help them ON the air." He decided to let me go as long as I went into the Reserve and I did for a while.

Now, I know that what I'm doing with THIS Mike is what I'm meant to be doing.

The other Mike in my life we have read about in my blog here. So far, we're talking again but the conversations are light, nothing relationship related at the moment. I must admit it's great to hear his voice even if he does end the phone calls first. It's the distance thing, he refuses to date someone 3500 miles away. Although he admits he still loves me, he won't give in to trying it out to see if we have a future together.

If love conquers all, then what does it do when there's a tie?

In the case of Mike Vs. Mike I'm not sure how the verdict will come out.

I love them both equally.

The High's and Low's of Being In The Middle

When the phone rings do I wish it's him calling? Sometimes. Relationships are so difficult. People always say relationships take work, but when too much work leaves you unemployed in your relationship, it's time to find a new one.

As much as we want to pick up the phone when they call, we sometimes just let it ring. Is it a game or a statement we're doing? My heart tells me it's a statement and my head tells me it's a game. Somehow I always seem to answer the phone...until now. When your relationship is unsure or 'in the middle' maybe it's just best to go on about your life, go out enjoy the world and find out what it has to offer you. Afterall, isn't that's what life is all about? I've made a decision last night based on my conversation with Mike that I'm going to start living my life, getting out meeting new people and just looking at the world around me. I told Mike that I was planning on flying home for labor day weekend to see him and my family. His reply was "I'm not sure it's going to change anything, I still do not want to date someone who is 3500 miles away." Did I want to fly there and try to rekindle this relationship? absolutely.

Did you ever talk with someone and they say one thing and your heart wants you to believe they meant another thing? I did that last night with mike. I thought maybe he's just saying that, maybe he doesn't really mean it and really does want to try to work this out. When I hung up the phone, I questioned his answer again to myself and thought what if he does really mean that? Life is too short to keep questioning what people say, if they say it, they meant it. This morning mike called and I told him that I should cancel my flight and he said that I don't have to cancel it so soon, that I should still come home to see my family. Again, is he speaking in code and maybe he really does want to see me and maybe there is that slight chance of hope to get back together? I've made the decision to go ahead and cancel my flight. why? because, I'm no longer playing these head games with myself (like i did with (the guy..in my previous blog). I'm now going to take a stronger approach to what people tell me. If he tells me to come home to see my family then I'm taking it for what he said and that he has no intentions on getting back together. It looks like he may deploy with the Air Force later on this year, so then I will go home and visit my family. Although, I would like the chance to get back together, I'm not going to try to push this relationship anymore.

As much as my head is in this relationship, my heart will protect herself regardless of how much i feel for him. I guess the highs of me thinking he really wants to see me and try to work things out leaves me to the low of the reality that in fact he may, but I know he has no intentions of getting back together.

Is there such a belief when two people who are in love they would go to the end of the earth for each-other?

Hard to believe that 3500 miles is not somewhere in the middle.

Inside My Secret Garden

A long time ago, I created a place in my heart to allow feelings to grow and die. I call this my 'secret garden” because only I know what and who lives in there, who is allowed to grow in there and who shall remain buried. I'm not sure if I recently visited my private place to escape considering everything that has been going with Mike and I (the break up) but sometimes I think we all need to escape at times.

Many years ago I met a guy who for some reason has never left my secret garden. We had great times together, the chemistry was very strong and it felt natural and safe to be with him. Well, I moved away from that place and we lost contact for a few years. One day while I was in the kitchen my dishwasher gave out and stopped working, and then I went to do the dishes and use my garbage disposal, well that didn't work either. So all along I'm like 'great!’ Things happen in 3's, what next?' I go upstairs to go on the computer to locate an electrician to come by house to fix my appliances. The computer didn’t turn on, so I was like 'okay this is the 3rd thing”; I take out my warranty and on the back of the warranty was a phone number of the 'guy' and so I called him. We had great conversations and we talked for days. One day I said “if it’s meant to be, then he will call me and say he’s moving here”. Well, a couple days later he asked me how far I lived from a certain airport and I told him it was about an hour and he said “that’s not to far to travel everyday” I was so happy inside thinking maybe he was thinking about moving there. Something happened (can’t recall) but we lost contact for years, oh and when were together (years ago) we danced to the song Hotel California (which I reference in my previous blog). All through the years I would test myself and say “if it's meant to be with (the guy) I will hear our song, and as fate would have it, nine out of ten times this song would come on the radio. He flies for an airline (like mike but different airline), so many times I would test fate with this (guy) and I would always get “signs' it was meant to be.

As you know, Mike and I broke up, it was Friday night and I remember laying in bed in Santa Monica (the same place and time Mike told me on the phone he wanted to break up with me) last weekend and asking above 'if I'm not supposed to be with mike, then who?” I go downstairs and hear a showcase from a country artist, who is 17 years old, and she starts playing her country song and in the middle of the song without missing a beat, she goes into the song 'Hotel California”. Inside, I can't believe what I hear, and I just laugh inside to myself, I'm thinking it's a sign. Later on that day I walk outside the hotel and a big truck comes by me and I turn my head to see it ,and right before my eyes there's a big sign that says “The Hotel California” and so now I'm getting crazy, I'm thinking this is nuts. I get back home (to SF) and I say 'okay if this is meant to be I will get a sign…And the next day my friend from Santa Monica sends me a picture of what? Yep the Hotel California so I'm going great this is too unreal.

I’m driving home yesterday from work and I test fate again and I say okay all this is too much to handle one more sign and I'm done. The radio is on as its scanning and I look above its (the guys') plane 9the airline he flys for) is flying low above me as it’s getting ready to land and Hotel California comes on the radio at the same time. If this is freaking you out, imagine how I feel. I'm thinking maybe mike and I broke up for a reason, maybe I'm not meant to be with Mike but instead (this guy).

Today, I found a mutual friend of ours (the guy and I's) and I ask him if (the guy) got married and he told me in fact he did. I didn't feel bad, just confused. I mean I was getting all these ‘signs” right? I also got signs with Mike..did I chose to ignore them unfairly?

I learned something about myself today that maybe life just has strange coincidences and maybe we DO control our own destiny.

Were my signs with (the guy) a case of serendipity or a case of serenstupidity.

That will be an answer to remain unknown and buried inside my secret garden.

Until Next Time....

Much Love,

Nikki

Unconditonally Conditional

There was a time in my life when I believed in unconditional love. Everyone would say 'you must learn to love unconditionally' but really, is there such a thing? I was recently in a relationship, and I say recently because Mike and I are no longer together as of yesterday. He told me it's because we live too far from each-other (he lives in New York).

Although, I'm not sure what the real reason is, I do know our love turned conditional. He told me if I lived closer maybe things would be different. "Maybe?" how can I go on that condition and move and give up all i ever worked for? I can't. He has children, two beautiful girls and he can't move from New York. I understand that.

In the beginning, I thought our relationship was 'meant to be', you know how your mind plays tricks on you and your heart follows? I think that's what happened this time with [him] Mike. I thought, 'this has got to be meant to be, all the signs pointed to this relationship that it was meant to be. A few years ago, I met him and liked him but he was married at the time so it was hands off for me. I was cool with that. I did tell my sister last year if he ever becomes single to let me know. As fate would have it, she called me later on in the year and told me he was getting a divorce. I flew home for her Christmas party and I was introduced to him again and by the 3rd day there spending time with him, I knew I was in love. Is that possible? We talked for hours and hours on the phone, sending countless text messages to each other while I came back to California. We even had 'our song", it was 'Home" by Blake Shelton.

I thought for sure he was 'The One" everyone in my family has known him for years and loves him...including me. It's been a few weeks and things have been kind of rocky with us, the text messages starting to come later on in the day, no more 'good morning beautiful' text messages, phone calls became shorter, ya know the typical distance is a problem sort of happenings. What relationship doesn't have it ups and downs? He finally admitted to me last night that the distance is too much for him to handle. I was confused, because Mike used to fly here every 3-4 weeks to see me and to me it was perfect. Now, there is no more waiting to pick him up at the airport. This time the flight is delayed...indefinitely.

So much for the love to which we promised each other to never to put conditions on. Is it possible to have a love that doesn't have some sort of conditions? I've been told there is love that exists which is unconditional, although now I know the type of love that really exists is unconditionally conditional.

Just To See You Smile

Sunday is the day you can find me at The Home Consignment Center in Danville. Usually, Sundays are my down time days, so I love to go to The Home Consignment Center. This past Sunday I bought a picture, a a pair of sconces for my wall, a big, huge rug for my living room. I didn't know The Home Consignment Center sold rugs until I saw them this past Sunday and I found the perfect one to replace my old one. I have to say that my house is really coming along nicely thanks to The Home Consignment Center. I didn't think I could afford to decorate my house and have it look so nice, until I discovered The Home Consignment Center now I CAN and I can do it at a fraction of the price! I met a really nice couple there as they were loading up their truck with things they bought at The Home Consignment Center and they kind of laughed at me when they met me. One of them said "I can't believe you just found out about this place, we always come here." I was delighted to know they shop at The Home Consignment Center, because I know they are getting a good deal. Although not sure how I felt when they laughed at me... but it's all good. I think this coming weekend, I am going to go by one of their other locations. If you want to go shopping with me let me know which store you'll be at and we can hook up and have some fun at The Home Consignment Center. I'm looking for a bedroom set to re-do my bedroom. I'm currently going for the Greek theme in my bedroom, which is why I bought the sconces for my bedroom. I'm on the right path to get my bedroom going. If you happen to stop by any of the The Home Consignment Centers and you happen to see a Queen sized bedroom set, please let me know. Until next Sunday, have a great week and I hope to see you at The Home Consignment Center...who knows you may find something that you like and if you do, it will be worth it JUST TO SEE YOU SMILE.

Much Love,

Nikki

All My Friends Say

When they come over to my house, all my friends say things like “where’d you get this picture?” or they’ll say things like “Wow! I love this desk, where’d you get it?” and I tell them The Home Consignment Center. I love the idea when people come to my house there are conversation pieces. I’m going to be at the Home Consignment Center (off of Crow Canyon Rd) on Sunday to pick up my items I put on hold. Did you know that if you find items there you like, you can put them on hold? Yeah, so that’s what I did, and I’m going to go pick them up on Sunday. Also, The Home Consignment Center has a deal to where you can “try it before you buy it”. If you see something you like, you try it out for 3 days and if you like it, you own it. If for some reason it may not go with your decor’ you can return it. No other store has this deal, or at least I haven’t found one that does. I really have gotten to know the staff there and they are great people. I often have questions about decorating and they can help with that too..how cool is THAT? Maybe if you’re not busy this Sunday around 2pm you can stop by? I’ll be there with my better half Mike and you can meet him too. So, what do you say? Wanna go shopping? I’d love to hang out with you there. Until next weekend..I’ll see YOU at the Store and you’ll see why all My Friends Say…..

Happy Shopping! Much Love, Nikki

This is What I Love About Sundays

First, a BIG hello to Diane from Walnut Creek who I met at the Home Consignment Center on Sunday!

Sundays I take personal time and I love to cruise around checking out great deals. My favorite place to go is The Home Consignment Center. When you go there, (I go to the one off of Crow Canyon Rd) you're going to see so many items to choose from. Trust me when I tell you, you are going to love this place! I never have to worry about not finding something I love because I always find something I love. You can check out the jewelry they have there too, if you're into that. They have a really nice selection of jewelry there, all Estate jewelery. The good thing is they always get new shipments of household items, furniture, pictures, bedroom sets, anything to do with your home. This past Sunday I ended up buying an end table and two Spanish figurines and as soon as I can figure out how to post pictures up here I can share them with you. If you've been to one of their stores, let me know. I'd love to hear your feedback, thoughts or maybe some of the things you bought from there. Until this coming Sunday...Happy Shopping!

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