I stayed up until 3 am this morning as I couldn't sleep between my tears. I've never been so hurt before by someone I care for so much. Sometimes, honesty is the best policy, other times, it's best to just keep quiet. Tonight, I wished I kept quiet. For the past three days, I've said some terrible things to him which I'm sorry for. I found out last night, that what I'm feeling is resentment and insecurity. I'm secure with my professional life but my personal life leaves me vulnerable and alone. I know that I must try to be a better person and do good things for other people in order to feel better about myself. But when I do good things for someone, I don't feel the sense of appreciation. Jealousy becomes me, and does not look good on me. I'm not a bitter person, I am a hurt person. For once in my life I thought I found that one special guy who was different than all the others. Last night, I learned he is not. He's a good man, a good person and a wonderful human being. I deserve this man, but I know I do not deserve to hurt him. I hurt him by my mistrust and my selfish insecurities. Although he gives me no reason to mistrust him or to feel insecure, my mind tries to convince me otherwise. My heart knows better, but my mind argues and wrestles with emotions. Why must I sabotage every relationship? What is it that is in me to feel so insecure in my personal life? The closer I get to someone the more I do not trust them.
A slue of emotions run through me. Between confusion, despair, happiness, thankfulness and resentment. It's not easy to understand why I have these feelings although a part of me would like to think it's because of my current relationship or lack there of one. Last night we talked and I found out a lot about myself. For one, I tend to over react to situations I have no control over. I'm starting to think the reason I get so frustrated and jealous is because it's a lack of control in my relationship. I understand how he feels when he says he just wants everything light and happy. No drama, no stress. He says he wants what we have to work and I also want that with us. I asked him what “this” was and he said he didn't know. He said he doesn't want to be in a heavy committed relationship with anyone. I get that, I understand that; but somehow along the way I failed to believe that. It was in my own mind which I placed a relationship status on us. Although at times in my mind I kind of thought those same words he said, my heart felt differently.
Am I to blame for the way I feel? Am I making it more than it should be? He feels so. He feels I'm blowing things out of proportion and I have nothing to worry about. He told me he has done nothing wrong and has never been with anyone else intimately since we started living together. I believe him. He expects me to be patient and take things light, yet I get so jealous when he's out with other co-workers having dinner and drinking. I feel left out. Perhaps there is a deeper issue with him that I am not aware of. I only wish he would open up to me and tell me, perhaps this could explain a lot to me and give me some more understanding. I can't continue to feel this is my fault the way things are going now. Nor will I be to blame. I will however, bide by his wishes to not be a pain in his ass. I realize there are many things I need to work on in this relationship, if it is even a relationship. According to him, it is but not a romantic one. Can I be in a relationship and not be romantically involved? I can if that relationship means only being roommates. The question is, can I be just his roommate or is this When Two's A Crowd?
Until Next Time,
Much Love,
Nikki
Just try not to be so hard on yourself Nikki.xo xo
ReplyDeleteNikki,
ReplyDeleteI hear your pain. Relationships can sometimes be a really complicated ordeal. Please know that you are an incredible person, not just a great radio personality. Believe in yourself and trust your instincts. You and your friend are not at the same place emotionally right now. Does that mean you should just break it off? Not necessarily. You seem to be craving a deeper kind of soul-meshing relationship and there is nothing wrong with that -- there is also nothing wrong with your guy not craving that right now. Acknowledge that you two are not in the same space and give yourselves time to see if you might head in the same direction again.
There are people who care about you and are rooting for you in your corner. Hang in there!
Just read your blog. Reading one is something that I almost NEVER do, but your relationship thing intrigued me. Obviously I am not a relationship expert or anything, but having been in a relationship with the same woman for 35 plus years, I CAN tell you from experience, just let it happen. Whatever kind of relationship it turns out to be will develop. You may not be a religious type, but if that is the case, prayer helps a lot. I'm not a religious zealot, but I do believe there is God, and when something is more than I can handle on my own, I turn it over to him and that eases the mind. Long worded guy aren't I? Just wanted to see if some words from someone else would help. Later.
ReplyDeleteWe all run through the same set of emotions and feeling of vulnerability within personal life. Why do I feel jealous? Why do I mistrust? Why must I sabotage the relationship? Why do I feel so insecure? Then there is the term relationship and its actual meaning/definition. A relationship can be a many different things to different people. Friends, Parent/Child, Brother/Sister, Friends with Benefits, Kindred Spirits, Lovers, etc. are all ‘relationships’ of one kind or another.
ReplyDeleteThe closer we get to someone and actually start to define our ‘relationship’ the more confusion and despair fight with happiness and thankfulness in the biggest Heavy Weight battle. We want to be happy and thankful, but then feel guilty/bad for having those feelings and then feeling of guilt set in causing the confusion and despair.
The one thing to ALWAYS remember is we (you, I, everyone) are not perfect. Maybe we are fat, maybe we are judgmental, maybe we are bald, maybe we are self-centered, etc. The only thing we are is flawed. No matter who you are or where you come from, you are flawed. You may be the Greatest Quarterback, but you are flawed. You may be the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Cover Model, but you are flawed. You may be a Nobel Prize winner, but you are flawed. Even though we are flawed, we were created in God’s image. No matter what our flaw, as long as we are True to who we are and not trying to be someone else then we are No Longer Flawed.
Sometimes in relationships confusion and despair start to win the fight, because perhaps we are not being true. We care about the other person, but don’t want to ‘commit’ because the closer we get to that feeling of Happiness the tougher the Heavy Weight battle becomes. Maybe we’ve been hurt before, or maybe we are just scared. Just like heading to the river…you know it will be so refreshing and nice, yet you hesitate to jump right in…why? Maybe it will be cold? Maybe something will bite? Maybe I’ll get hurt? Maybe I’ll drown? Most likely it is because your clothes will get wet!! So what do you do? Take them off. Problem solved. But now you’re naked or in your underwear, so the confusion starts all over.
But instead of being confused with the hesitation of jumping right in, you just take the easy way out and walk away from the water, or just stand on the edge watching everyone else have fun and maybe you just ‘dip your toe/foot’ in. No difference in a relationship, it takes guts, courage, a willingness and to take the leap. BUT the leap has to be done by both people. If only one person is willing to go swimming and no matter how much they reassure the other the water is perfect, if they don’t want to get in the water with you, you have to decide, to I stay in the water by myself, or do I swim downstream and find someone to swim with. Does that mean the swimmer is to ‘blame’ for the other person not wanting to swim….NO!!
It is not YOUR fault. If he can’t open up and tell you why he doesn’t want to ‘jump in’ the water with you or what his reason is for just dipping his toes in the water, then it’s his problem. There is no reason you should be blaming yourself. There are two ol’ sayings I like to think about…”you and lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink” as well as “it takes two to Tango”. Can you be in a relationship and not be romantically involved? Yes, if that is how you choose to define the word. That is the scary part…defining it!!